There’s a monster in my head,
and it doesn’t let me sleep.
A non-stop chatter on anything it please,
When I listen to it, I’m never at peace.
Sometimes a friend, other times a foe.
Sometimes a pond, other times a storm.
I am a mystery to self, come to think of it.
Am I making it up for the attention I seek?
Am I duping myself to jazz up my life?
Is there a way to go back in time?
I will kick the monster out of the sight.
Get back my soul and stop living with fright.
Enough of this strange state I hide,
I’m once again, the mistress of my mind.
How do I confess what I can’t comprehend?
My happiness depends on this or that.
The imaginary issues are keeping me in vain,
Will my life ever be sane?
Who do I become when the monster knocks?
Can I be the little girl dancing in the hall?
What is real and what is fake,
My psyche says everything’s the same.
The devil has sent the monster in my life,
to wreck something that was already fragile.
I repeat to myself, it’s just a phase
I will stay put and keep misery at bay.
I don’t want to argue – no, not now,
the less I say, the better, somehow.
I’m a cornered tigress with nowhere to run,
The only option is to attack and have fun.
Anger, shame and all that I hide
I’m tired, so let’s turn a blind eye.
I bury it all like there’s nothing wrong,
Suppressing the outrage for a little too long.
I try so hard to find a good fix,
Whatever I do, nothing still sticks.
Holes in my brain from my mixed up beliefs,
The monster is back with all its tricks.
Ten steps forward and then I trip.
Nothing makes sense, I’m so damn sick.
Am I the problem or the messed up brain,
My fleeting balance goes down the drain.
The monster keeps ruining all my plans.
I’m trapped in a loop, no escape, so far.
No words can’t describe how I feel,
I’m a soft fur pretending to be steel.
Show me a way to let off the steam.
We are all fighting the war within,
I’m evicting the monster, enough, that’s it !!
For years we pile up messes in our head,
And wish for a clean slate in hours, at best.
Look outside, the seasons have changed,
The forests are painted in varied shades.
One cycle of life is coming to an end,
There is no better time to dance again.
If you want to help, just sit by my side,
And soon enough, I will learn to glide.
Babita Chandak says
Loved it …keep writing .
ST says
Firstly, the courage to be vulnerable and speak of the demons is admirable. Secondly, the nuance in describing the chaos is nothing short of elegant. Damn, the writing is beautiful.
“We are all fighting the war within” If only people were more willing to listen and learn to be empathetic towards others, wouldn’t the world be a better place?
Shame, attention and the pretence we all assume are cravings of the ego. These time tested problems have been studied by many philosophers for centuries. And I personally found a great deal of comfort and relief reading “The courage to be disliked” by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. Adlerian psychology goes deep into how the desire for recognition costs us our freedom and how unhappiness is self-chosen. If you haven’t read it already, I’d be happy to send you a copy
vasudha says
Thanks, Sunil. You are too kind.
Sure, would love to read.
ST says
Just sent it your way
Will be delivered to the office with Hari’s name next thursday. Hope that’s okay!
vasudha says
Thank you.