Why can’t he just do this? ⠀
Only if she listened to me !! ⠀
How hard is it for him to make a little adjustment?
No matter what I do, she will always complain.
Do any of these phrases sound familiar?
We all know that we can’t control other people’s reactions and that it is unfair to have unspoken expectations from others. Moreover, we often hope that they will read your mind or understand the subtle hints. Yet, we catch ourselves stuck in this rut subconsciously almost on a daily basis.
Why is it that smart people like ourselves keep making the same mistakes over and over again? And in the process end up hurting ourselves and sabotaging the relationships. More often than not, we are not upset with the person but on the expectations, we have set for them.
When was the last time you were disappointed/upset with someone or yourself? Was it because of something they did wrong or was it because they didn’t behave as per your expectations?
My friend called me out of the blue and said “I don’t think my marriage is working out”. I was stunned.
Her: He doesn’t love me anymore.
Me: What made you feel that?
Her: Well, he didn’t give me any birthday present.
Me: Umm… did you ask him for one?
Her: (Angrily) Why should I? Isn’t that an obvious thing to do for your loved ones? Sonal got a fantastic birthday surprise from her husband – lots of gifts, candlelight dinner, cake, etc. All I was hoping for was a birthday cake, even a pastry, and a small gift. Is that too much to ask?
Me: Not at all. But did he ask you for your gift preference?
Her: Well, he did. But how could I say that I want a gift? Everyone wants a gift on their birthday.
Me: So, you said nothing?
Her: Well, we are saving up for our Maldives trip. So, I didn’t want any expensive stuff. But I thought he would get me something.
Me: So, you are disappointed that he got you nothing?
Her: Umm.. he got me a chocolate box.
Me: That’s good, right? You two stay alone and won’t be able to finish a cake by yourself.
Her: I guess. Actually… I think I saw how Sonal’s birthday bash turned out and I was hoping something similar. But then we have a luxury trip coming up and it was sort of my birthday present after all. Thanks, gal. I guess I wasn’t thinking straight.
Humans are complicated creatures. You can’t ever truly know everything about another person – their feelings, reasonings, actions. But you can control and manage your reactions. Most people are not even aware of the fact that they have expectations from others – as this happens subconsciously. When an expectation is not met, it can lead to disappointment, anxiety, and emotional instability. It affects your own happiness.
So, stop expecting? Easier said than done.
It’s impossible to have no expectations at all. A better approach is to have a flexible mindset, communicate more effectively, and accept that the other person is a human being too and have a mind and feelings of their own.
For instance, My friend totally missed that the Maldives trip was indeed her birthday present. And rather than beating around the bush, she could have just asked her husband for a small present.
Her: I know we are saving up for our trip. But I would really like to have a small present for my birthday. Maybe the floral dress which we saw the other day. Will that be fine with you?
Her husband would then know for a fact that she was expecting as a gift. He would have just bought the dress instead of brainstorming gift ideas. She would have felt valued and loved and both would have been happy.
I learned the hard way that my expectations were causing me unnecessary anxiety. It’s easy to pass advice to your friends, family, colleagues, and even strangers when you see them stuck in a complaining downward spiral. But harder to acknowledge and implement those words of wisdom on yourself.
It’s a life-long process — a work in progress. Thankfully, I’m surrounded by great friends and family members who helped me in understanding a different perspective.⠀
Just like you, everyone is fighting their own battles which you know nothing about. Try walking in their shoes. You might be surprised to discover how much of an effort they really do make and why they do what they do.⠀
Babita Chandak says
Beautifully described. And so true that our expectations some time makes differences. With your friends example you described it so well. Actually in our mind we do start thinking that he or she sud do this and that for us for sure and if that not happened that create disappointments. I love to implement your tips with me too. Thanks for sharing. Love you beta.
vasudha says
Glad you liked it.